joke.

same o · Post by **same o** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:30 pm

why do women love jesus

because he is hung like this (puts arms out either side)

youthful_implants · Post by **youthful_implants** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:49 pm

hahaha.

how not to pick up a female archaeologist?

hand her a used jam rag and tell her its from her period.

Feigan · Post by **Feigan** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:51 pm

what do accountants use as contraception?

There personalities

Feigan · Post by **Feigan** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:53 pm

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Shifty-Sly · Post by **Shifty-Sly** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 5:48 pm

Home from work now and can join the fun.....

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a apple?

you dont cum on a apple before you eat it

Feigan · Post by **Feigan** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 5:59 pm

Mwah ha gha ha ha

damn.

Shifty-Sly · Post by **Shifty-Sly** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:10 pm

whats the better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

not being a fucking retard

NakedAge · Post by **NakedAge** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:12 pm

lol I like that one.

NakedAge · Post by **NakedAge** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:14 pm

how do you make a baby float?

Take your foot off its head

Shifty-Sly · Post by **Shifty-Sly** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:16 pm

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything,

just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was

looking at the shit on your forehead."

aroes · Post by **aroes** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:38 pm

What do you call a bloke who always hangs around near trees?

Russell

same o · Post by **same o** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:48 pm

Shifty-Sly wrote:whats the better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

not being a fucking retard

the one i heard was whats better than winning a gold medal at the para olympics

walking

Post by **fooishbar** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:49 pm

hahahahahaha

oh man

Shifty-Sly · Post by **Shifty-Sly** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:55 pm

whats red, white, wet and screams?

A freshly peeled and salted baby

Lephrenic · Post by **Lephrenic** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 8:33 pm

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up someone's arse.

Baby Ruth · Post by **Baby Ruth** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 9:25 pm

What's the difference between

being good,

being great &

showing off?

Spitting,

Swallowing &

Gargling

Post by **huge** » Mon Feb 02, 2009 9:59 pm

lol hergg

same o · Post by **same o** » Tue Feb 03, 2009 4:06 pm

why did hitler kill himself?

he saw the gas bill...

how do u fit 3,000,000 jews into a mini?

2 in the front 3 in the back, rest in the ash tray..

baa doom tish

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:49 am

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:50 am

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'

And that's how the fight started.....

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:50 am

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:51 am

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

youthful_implants · Post by **youthful_implants** » Wed Feb 04, 2009 12:39 pm

Gliding High · Post by **Gliding High** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 5:55 pm

Q. Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?

A. So when you fuck it it doesn't blow up.

Gliding High · Post by **Gliding High** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 5:57 pm

Q: What's the only animal on Earth with a cunt halfway up its back?

A: A police horse

Gliding High · Post by **Gliding High** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 5:59 pm

Q: What's pink and hard?

A: A pig with a flick knife.

Gliding High · Post by **Gliding High** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:03 pm

Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?

A: Hey kid, go easy on the sweets.

Shifty-Sly · Post by **Shifty-Sly** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:05 pm

wondered when you would contribute some 1st class filth

Lephrenic · Post by **Lephrenic** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:24 pm

My neighbours bought me a rolex. Really nice lesbian couple. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

mixtress · Post by **mixtress** » Sat Apr 25, 2009 12:17 am

top stuff Leigh

youthful_implants · Post by **youthful_implants** » Sat Apr 25, 2009 4:20 pm

Whats the difference between a dead hooker and the global credit crisis?

the global credit crisis fucks YOU in the ass.

Robot Rod · Post by **Robot Rod** » Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:33 am

youthful_implants wrote:Whats the difference between a dead hooker and the global credit crisis?

the global credit crisis fucks YOU in the ass.

Sounds like you are a massive credit crisis fan !

Coco Grimes · Post by **Coco Grimes** » Sun May 10, 2009 11:57 am

what is the biggest cause of peadophillia....?

sexy kids

Lephrenic · Post by **Lephrenic** » Sun May 10, 2009 2:09 pm

What do cabbage and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

youthful_implants · Post by **youthful_implants** » Tue May 12, 2009 2:28 pm

An inflatable kid at an inflatable school was reprimanded by the headmaster for bring in a pin.

"You've let yourself down, you've let the school down...."

deviant · Post by **deviant** » Tue May 12, 2009 5:24 pm

youthful_implants wrote:An inflatable kid at an inflatable school was reprimanded by the headmaster for bring in a pin.

"You've let yourself down, you've let the school down...."

that made me lol

mixtress · Post by **mixtress** » Tue May 12, 2009 11:50 pm

deviant wrote:
youthful_implants wrote:An inflatable kid at an inflatable school was reprimanded by the headmaster for bring in a pin.

"You've let yourself down, you've let the school down...."
that made me lol

That jokes meant to go on for a bit, I've never heard it so summarised. I like the long version better...

Inflatable Boy

The inflatable boy who goes to the inflatable school was sitting at his inflatable desk listening to the inflatable teacher give the inflatable lesson. He said to himself, “I’m inflatably bored,” got up and snuck out.

Walking down the inflatable corridor he suddenly sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him, so he pulls out an inflatable knife and stabs him!

Pwwffhffhffffffffffsssssssssssshfffbblbblblbsh!

He runs out of the inflatable school, but as he get out he thinks, “I’m in inflatable trouble now, have to hide the inflatable evidence,” and pulls his inflatable knife out and stabs the inflatable school!

PFFFFFFFFFFPWFffffffsssfffsfffssfsfppfffffssffffbblblbblsfsssh!

He runs to his inflatable home, but he’s overcome with inflatable remorse, so he pulls out the inflatable knife and stabs himself!

Pffffwwffffffh!

He wakes up and finds himself in an inflatable hospital bed. He turns his inflatable head and there in the inflatable bed next to him is the deflated headmaster. Shaking his head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:

“You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.”

FoundationStepper · Post by **FoundationStepper** » Wed May 13, 2009 5:48 am

i like the short version better

nic · Post by **nic** » Wed May 13, 2009 11:18 am

same sorry.

TL DR

nic · Post by **nic** » Wed May 13, 2009 11:20 am

i dint even know any jokes sorry.

the only one i know and often deliver wrong is

how do you make a hormone
kick her in the cunt

its not even really a joke, and sometimes people dun understand.

Direkt · Post by **Direkt** » Wed May 13, 2009 12:19 pm

youthful_implants · Post by **youthful_implants** » Wed May 13, 2009 2:47 pm

nic wrote:i dint even know any jokes sorry.

the only one i know and often deliver wrong is

how do you make a hormone
kick her in the cunt

its not even really a joke, and sometimes people dun understand.

hahaha! nice.

Post by **breaksRbest** » Wed May 13, 2009 6:40 pm

Little Johnny runs inside all excited and goes straight up to his Dad
"Hey Dad, I got my first Root at school today!"
"That's great Johnny! To congratulate you I'm gonna go & buy you a brand new bike"
"Thanks Dad, but can I wait until my bum heals?"

Direkt · Post by **Direkt** » Thu May 14, 2009 11:56 am

That joke is so gay.

mrj · Post by **mrj** » Thu May 14, 2009 12:31 pm

mixtress wrote:
deviant wrote:
youthful_implants wrote:An inflatable kid at an inflatable school was reprimanded by the headmaster for bring in a pin.

"You've let yourself down, you've let the school down...."
that made me lol
That jokes meant to go on for a bit, I've never heard it so summarised. I like the long version better...

Inflatable Boy

The inflatable boy who goes to the inflatable school was sitting at his inflatable desk listening to the inflatable teacher give the inflatable lesson. He said to himself, “I’m inflatably bored,” got up and snuck out.

Walking down the inflatable corridor he suddenly sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him, so he pulls out an inflatable knife and stabs him!

Pwwffhffhffffffffffsssssssssssshfffbblbblblbsh!

He runs out of the inflatable school, but as he get out he thinks, “I’m in inflatable trouble now, have to hide the inflatable evidence,” and pulls his inflatable knife out and stabs the inflatable school!

PFFFFFFFFFFPWFffffffsssfffsfffssfsfppfffffssffffbblblbblsfsssh!

He runs to his inflatable home, but he’s overcome with inflatable remorse, so he pulls out the inflatable knife and stabs himself!

Pffffwwffffffh!

He wakes up and finds himself in an inflatable hospital bed. He turns his inflatable head and there in the inflatable bed next to him is the deflated headmaster. Shaking his head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:

“You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.”

BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

that joke rocks.

youthful_implants · Post by **youthful_implants** » Thu May 14, 2009 2:24 pm

mixtress · Post by **mixtress** » Thu May 14, 2009 3:13 pm

Takes some serious practise to tell that joke well

lilstormer · Post by **lilstormer** » Fri May 15, 2009 7:13 pm

Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers have had their houses burgled on the same night last Tuesday.

Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 10 premiership medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world club cup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1 super cup medal stolen.

Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

youthful_implants · Post by **youthful_implants** » Wed May 20, 2009 2:10 pm

a man walking down a country road in NZ passes a farmer holding a sheep under his arm.

'shearing?' he says to the man

'naw she's all mine mate.' says the farmer.

Feigan · Post by **Feigan** » Wed May 20, 2009 7:25 pm

"I aint shearing this wuth no one?"