Chuck Norris is the MAN

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mecka
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Chuck Norris is the MAN

Post by mecka »

Just got this in my email and nearly pissed myself (edit: very similar to a random fact about vin diesel located here:
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director
said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same
time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"BOOYA".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris
plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light
side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick
to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists
turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out
of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for
super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this
phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When
Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the
face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species
list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his
most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in
Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who
would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out
transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out
of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4
card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse
kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or
hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a
vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then
burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the
flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his
left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its
technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of
Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes
of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he
simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and
roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be
seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a
club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all
because someone spilt his beer.
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Post by witty_pseudonym »

:smt044 :smt044 :smt044 :smt044

i haven't laughed that much in ages.
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Post by deviant »

n a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his
most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in
Total Recall.
that was funny :lol:
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quiet roar
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Post by quiet roar »

Fuck me, that is gold.

My colleagues are asking me why I'm crying
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well
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Post by Hatsudai »

Some of those are so funny :lol:

Who writes this shit?
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Post by lynt »

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Sounds like quick

:teef:
exploited
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Re: Chuck Norris is the MAN

Post by exploited »

mecka wrote: Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
lol, really though, who does :?:
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Re: Chuck Norris is the MAN

Post by Scholtzy »

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
:script:

hahahaahahahahhaha!! Thats awesome! :lol:
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Post by Kilgore_Trout »

"Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter"

GOLD! :lol:
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Post by Rob M »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

This is diamond! with a roundhouse kick to the face.

on a side note, wtf is all this vin diesel jive?
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Post by same o »

hahahha gold
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Post by Amick »

histerical! :lol:
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Post by mecka »

omfg A random fact about Chuck Norris

From the top 30 facts:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
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Post by aspekt »

Rob M wrote:
on a side note, wtf is all this vin diesel jive?
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a hand gun and a bucket.


In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to
kill you, including the room itself.


Vin Diesel requires an extensive barnacle scraping every 18 months or
50,000 nautical miles, whichever comes first.


Vin Diesel owns the last living unicorn, who he named Jake in honor of Jake
"The Snake" Roberts.


Vin Diesel can recite the bible in sign language with his feet.


Vin Diesel once coveted his neighbor's wife, but God did not smite him,
recalling a rather humiliating chess match.


When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water
gets Vin instead.


Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you
would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked
why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then
he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.


Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.


It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him
destroy an orphanage.


Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.


In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in
the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.


Vin Diesel can divide by zero.


When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
the Earth down.


Vin Diesel's original birth name: Nummymuffin Cocobutter.


Vin Diesel does not know how to ride a bike.


Vin Diesel had a blood transfusion using synthetic motor oil.


Vin Diesel's sweat can be used to clean precious metals.


Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.


There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows
to live.


If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End
Lives."


There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team



personally, I prefer the vin diesel ones as a whole. The snappy and random one-liners like "Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter" are the best.
There's no justice, just us.
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Post by quick »

GOLD!!!!!!!
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it... taste of her acorn chapstick
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Post by Hardy »

I haven't laughed that hard in ages! I reckon peeps on the street could hear me.
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Post by undyes »

Hardy wrote:I haven't laughed that hard in ages! I reckon peeps on the street could hear me.
Same, still cacking myself from reading it yesterday!
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"
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Post by Rob M »

ah so its basically just quips about vin much the same as chuck.

I thought it must've been something vin did in real life that made him a target of something I was unaware of.
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Post by quick »

BUMP!!!!
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it... taste of her acorn chapstick
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Post by calstro »

quick wrote:BUMP!!!!
You should've let it go a whole year before bumpin'
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Post by deviant »

aspekt wrote:If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you
would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked
why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then
he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
best!!!! :lol:
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Post by mecka »

zomg i remember this thread! its rad.
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Post by kronz »

mecka wrote:zomg i remember this thread! its rad.
no its not!!!
Little Evil

Post by Little Evil »

Chuck Norris could probably suck the chrome off a tow-bar.
He's about to get his black belt in BJJ (takes ten years or more) and so he is the real deal. Dude must be going on 60, but I wouldn't fuck with him. :lol:

Fuck he's a shit actor though, he has all the presence on screen of a blow-up doll :lol:

Nothing more funny than lighting up a spliff and watching 'Lone Wolf McQuade'
And he actually sings the theme song for 'Texas Rangers' - seriously. :smt005
:smt005
Last edited by Little Evil on Fri Sep 01, 2006 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by argument »

kronz wrote:
mecka wrote:zomg i remember this thread! its rad.
no its not!!!
yes it is!!!
An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
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Post by Mellogs »

calstro wrote:
quick wrote:BUMP!!!!
You should've let it go a whole year before bumpin'

:lol:
...and basically that's the situation
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Post by RHDMKK »

What do you call the pile of dead ninjas outside Chuck Norris' house? ... Brokeback Mountain.



Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
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Post by cammo »

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Chuck Norris is da man
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Post by deviant »

^^^ BWAHAHAHAHA :lol:
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Post by Mellogs »

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...and basically that's the situation
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Post by kronz »

Chuck norris sucks the smeg off a hobos unwashed dick
GO CATS! GO CATS!
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Post by mecka »

So you two have something in common! yay!
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Post by mecka »

Yearly bump:

Chuck Norris has a competitor in Jack Bauer:

Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.

There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

It took God six days to get His job done; Jack has 24 hours.

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"

On Jack Bauers Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.

Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris' neck into 24 pieces.

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

The only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of.

If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

When Jack Bauer farts, time stops.

Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Norris' head!

Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”.

Strippers tip Jack Bauer.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

When Jack Bauer goes to church to pray, he simply goes up the the priest and says, "Put him through."

Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testicles contest". He beat them both by a combined total of 46.

Chuck Norris is a Texas ranger only because Jack Bauer wont allow him to be a federal agent.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.

Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.

Jack Bauer once took steroids to try and shrink his giant balls... It didn't work.

The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
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Post by mixtress »

Yep, I've offically pissed my pants. I love the Norris ones but whoever thought to do Jack Bauer deserves a fucking medal :lol:
Only the meek get pinched...the bold survive
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Post by L-J »

go back to barrens chat
The South East Connection-Every Sat 9am-11am GMT+1 8pm-10pm GMT+10
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Big Tings-24th Oct With Coki, Loefah, Mj Cole and Zed Bias @ Roxannes
Branded Beats- 6th Nov @ Mercat
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Post by JAMESSSS »

I got one of these in my email the other day.
Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Barry Dawson's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson can speak Braille.

When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Barry Dawson doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.

Barry Dawson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Barry Dawson once ate three 72oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Barry Dawson is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Barry Dawson once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Barry Dawson once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Barry Dawson won by 5.

Barry Dawson once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

When Barry Dawson has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Barry Dawson, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Barry Dawson ordered a Big Mac at Red Rooster, and got one.

It takes Barry Dawson 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Barry Dawson doesn't believe in New Zealand.

Barry Dawson can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Barry Dawson recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of Australian women lost their virginity to Barry Dawson. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Barry Dawson invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn .

One day Barry Dawson walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Barry Dawson plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Barry Dawson qualified with a top speed of 324mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Nathan Bracken is allowed to live because Barry Dawson doesn't kill
women.
Don't hate me for house
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Post by sneak »

They missed one...

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
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Re: Chuck Norris is the MAN

Post by quick »

definitely time for a bump, had another great laugh reading them all...
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it... taste of her acorn chapstick
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Re: Chuck Norris is the MAN

Post by CoB »

nice

Whenever Vin Diesel plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

damn bastards stole my reason for being vegetarian!
Vin Diesel became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
o/ . . . \o . . . -o . o- . \o/ \o/
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