Chuck Norris is the MAN
Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:50 pm
Just got this in my email and nearly pissed myself (edit: very similar to a random fact about vin diesel located here:
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director
said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same
time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"BOOYA".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris
plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light
side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick
to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists
turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out
of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for
super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this
phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When
Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the
face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species
list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
before they could tell him there was a stripper in it
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his
most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in
Total Recall.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who
would win?
Chuck Norris
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out
transformed into a robot.
In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out
of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4
card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse
kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or
hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a
vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then
burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the
flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his
left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its
technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of
Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes
of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he
simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and
roundhouse kick them.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be
seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a
club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all
because someone spilt his beer.