Dad's Jokes

deviant · Post by **deviant** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 6:37 pm

I've seen this term on here a bit lately....... So I thought we sould compile our favs in a thread!

"Dad, is there something in my eye?"
Dad - "Yeah, an eyeball!"

or

"Dad, I'm hungry"
Dad - "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad!"

Terry Tate · Post by **Terry Tate** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 7:26 pm

two of my faves from my dad ive taken for my own use -

im so hungry i could eat a horse and chase the jockey

in response to someone asking you how you are..

any fitter and i'd be dangerous

Realm Korrupt · Post by **Realm Korrupt** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 7:59 pm

One I stole off the old man:
I'm not always right but I'm right once again!

kitty · Post by **kitty** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:18 pm

a classic one dad pulls out every time tomato sauce is on the table

"why don't you have some sausage roll (or insert food here) with your tomato sauce?"

queue groans & eyerolling

Dave_wratH · Post by **Dave_wratH** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:21 pm

"an optimist thinks a glass is half full
a pessimist thinks a glass is half empty
an engineer thinks the glass is exactly twice the size it needs to be"

my dad is a civil engineer.

witty_pseudonym · Post by **witty_pseudonym** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:31 pm

"what's that up on the road? A-head?"

"How did you sleep?"
"With my eyes closed"

"i've forgotten what i was going to say"
"think of something similar"

i could go on...but i'll leave mrj to take the spotlight.

Lil MiSbreaks · Post by **Lil MiSbreaks** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:11 pm

Why did the koala fall out of the tree??

Cos it was dead.....

Where do you find a dog with 2 legs?

Where you left it.....

mecka · Post by **mecka** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:50 pm

Lil MiSbreaks wrote:Why did the koala fall out of the tree??

Cos it was dead.....

Where do you find a do with 2 legs?

Where you left it.....

That Koala one is fkn gold.

Also... is meant to be a dog with 2 legs?

Lil MiSbreaks · Post by **Lil MiSbreaks** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:54 pm

yep :edit:

mrj · Post by **mrj** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 10:46 am

cant believe I only just notice this thread. w00000000000t.

my fave is probably when someone asks where the bin is

"wheres the bin?"
"I bin here all the time, wheres you bin?"

actually got that one from my uncle.

Direkt · Post by **Direkt** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 10:53 am

Or a variation on mrj's:

Person 1: "Where's ya bin?"
Person 2: "I's been on holidays..."

Person 1: "Nah, where's ya wheelie bin?"
Person 2: "Oh, I's wheelie bin in jail!"

And then there's the:
"Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"
"Better than a slap in the guts with a dead fish" (WTF?)
"Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him" etc etc

Scotrod · Post by **Scotrod** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 10:55 am

"You've bin here all the time? No seriously where's your wheely bin?"

I love dad jokes, they're always delivered with an aded sense or confidence that says 'I don't have to be funny, IM YOUR FATHER!!".

Scotrod · Post by **Scotrod** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 10:57 am

Typical MC, always getting the first bloody word in!!!

Mellogs · Post by **Mellogs** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:02 am

There's a lady walking down the street carrying a duck under her arm. Walking towards her is a man, who says "Nice looking pig you've got there"

The lady replies "Its not a pig, its a duck!"

The man says "I wasnt talking to you, I was talking to the duck"

__________________________

The one about the bear and the rabbit always gets me too. Only cause he tells it after a bottle of Jamiesons, and puts sound effects into it

Direkt · Post by **Direkt** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:18 am

Scotrod wrote:Typical MC, always getting the first bloody word in!!!

Get with the program homie...

cuznmatt · Post by **cuznmatt** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:30 am

ya hear about the two baked beans who travelled up the east coast?

they ended up in cans.

thanks dad.

dust · Post by **dust** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:33 am

Whenever I asked my dad for money, he used to pat down his pockets and say

"sorry, i left it in my other suit"

He thought that was the funniest joke ever!

Kilgore_Trout · Post by **Kilgore_Trout** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:59 am

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

mizuhodai · Post by **mizuhodai** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:29 pm

my mates dad came up with a good one....

one day we were in good ol' porepunkah at a fate and my mates dad bought us hot jam donughts.....on giving them to us he said...
"if they're too hot , take your jumper off"

i though he was the greatest comedian that had ever lived, of course i was 13.

mrj · Post by **mrj** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:32 pm

did you hear about the two tv antennas that got married?

apparently the ceremony wasnt much, but the reception was great!!

Fents · Post by **Fents** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:34 pm

My mum once was complaing Dad was snooring too much.

Dad replies " Oh love i dont snore i stayed up all night once to see if i did and i didnt snore once".

Classic.

Fents · Post by **Fents** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:41 pm

Another gold one :

We were sitting round the dinner table when i was about 5 or so and dad whispers into my ear "say this to ur mum"

"pass the honey, honey"
"pass the suguar, suguar"
"pass the TEA, BAG"

If i wasnt five and cute i would of copped a woodenspoon from mum i reckon.

witty_pseudonym · Post by **witty_pseudonym** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:15 pm

when referring to chapstick:

"can i have a chaps dick to rub on my lips?"

so wrong.

mrj · Post by **mrj** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:22 pm

Fents wrote:Another gold one :

We were sitting round the dinner table when i was about 5 or so and dad whispers into my ear "say this to ur mum"

"pass the honey, honey"
"pass the suguar, suguar"
"pass the TEA, BAG"

If i wasnt five and cute i would of copped a woodenspoon from mum i reckon.

I just used to go "get me a drink slut"

didn't go down so well.

flippo · Post by **flippo** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:23 pm

my dad, as much as a wonderful man for whom I have so much respect, he is just not funny.... when we used to go over a big dipper in the car...

"whats the matter son? did you lose your stomach?"

"yep"

then the massive massive punch line...

".... well we better go back and get it then!" badoom*ching!

...................

.......

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:59 pm

oh man these are gold!

factory worker · Post by **factory worker** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 5:29 pm

what about dad jokes that aren't handed down from our fathers

I can't think of any right now

but I always say things that people think sound like dad joke humour

calstro · Post by **calstro** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 5:48 pm

I am a dad so every joke I make could be listed...

and they a tonne ruder than these ones^^^

same o · Post by **same o** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 6:46 pm

god i'm tired
hi tired

ADD_Boy · Post by **ADD_Boy** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 8:01 pm

mrj wrote:
Fents wrote:Another gold one :

We were sitting round the dinner table when i was about 5 or so and dad whispers into my ear "say this to ur mum"

"pass the honey, honey"
"pass the suguar, suguar"
"pass the TEA, BAG"

If i wasnt five and cute i would of copped a woodenspoon from mum i reckon.
I just used to go "get me a drink slut"

didn't go down so well.

Nice !

bobinabottle · Post by **bobinabottle** » Sun Jun 25, 2006 12:18 pm

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

Ani · Post by **Ani** » Sun Jun 25, 2006 4:44 pm

older guy at work just came out with:

"He's not the leader of our country, he's just the Prime Monster"

ugh

C.I.A. · Post by **C.I.A.** » Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:47 pm

Whan asking my dad how old he is he always replied....

"I'm as old as my tounge and a little older than my teeth". Then he'd laugh at his own joke.

Uh. Thanks.

Post by **fooishbar** » Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:51 pm

while traipsing around tallinn (medieval city) the other day, we were looking at a variety of 13th-century buildings.

dad: 'i've never been somewhere so old before. i bet you can find the exact room where the liberal party policies were formed'.

a1studmuffin · Post by **a1studmuffin** » Sun Jun 25, 2006 11:25 pm

"I feel like an ice cream."
"Funny, you don't look like one!"

Post by **fooishbar** » Sun Jun 25, 2006 11:35 pm

'i'm a little hungry'
'oh dan, you're not that little'

CoB · Post by **CoB** » Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:20 am

what is big white, and would knock you off a bike.

A fridge.

What is big, red, and can't swim.

A Fire-Engine.

(one i use quite a bit.. I think ive got the dad jokes down pretty well...)

I Feel like a coffee..
really? I feel like a person..

ArrBee · Post by **ArrBee** » Mon Jun 26, 2006 9:47 am

For me it would have to be the pea jokes that I remember.

When they roll off the plate he would joke about peeing on the table. :/

Even more hilarity would ensue if it rolled off the table because then he would have peed on the floor.

deviant · Post by **deviant** » Mon Jun 26, 2006 11:08 am

ArrBee wrote:For me it would have to be the pea jokes that I remember.

When they roll off the plate he would joke about peeing on the table. :/

Even more hilarity would ensue if it rolled off the table because then he would have peed on the floor.

yep... I think we copped that one every time there were peas for dinner.

Post by **breaksRbest** » Mon Jun 26, 2006 9:10 pm

witty_pseudonym wrote:
"i've forgotten what i was going to say"
"think of something similar"

ROFL