A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A 4lt carton of milk,
A carton of eggs
4lt of orange juice
1 lettuce
9kg can of coffee
3kg of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?""
The drunk replied "Cause you're ugly"
MB.C Random Jokes Thread
MB.C Random Jokes Thread
Little did I know, and even less did I care.
A business man is travelling a very long distance to get to a business meeting. He has been travelling for several days by car and he thinks to himself "wow I'd really love a fuck right now"
So he stops in this small town and goes into the bar for a beer.
He calls over the bartender
GUY: "excuse me mate, do you know where i can find some prostitutes around here?"
BARTENDER: "yeah there's one or two working the streets tonight again....but as a warning don't go anywhere near Sand Paper Sally"
The guy a little bit confused just nods and says "yeah alright" and goes on his way.
He drives around the town for a few hours with no luck...there seems to be no prozzies around.
After several hours of doing circuits around the town in the car he finally sees a pretty skanky looking woman stading on the curb on the edge of town.
he rolls down the window and asks what she has to offer.
PROZZIE: anything you want baby... come this way.
She leads him down an alley way and tells him he can do whatever he want for $20 bucks........He then remembers what the barman said "stay away from Sand Paper Sally" so he asks....."are you Sand Paper Sally?" and she nods..........he hesitates for a minute and then remembered how horny he was so he decided to cut his losses and dip his stick.
they start to have sex and he stops not long after "oh god, oh god it hurts.......its feel like sandpaper"
Sand Paper Sally: "just turn around for a second, I'll fix it"
They start to have sex again this time the guy is very very pleased "what did you do?" he asked.
Sand Paper Sally: "Oh I just picked the scabs and let the pus run"
So he stops in this small town and goes into the bar for a beer.
He calls over the bartender
GUY: "excuse me mate, do you know where i can find some prostitutes around here?"
BARTENDER: "yeah there's one or two working the streets tonight again....but as a warning don't go anywhere near Sand Paper Sally"
The guy a little bit confused just nods and says "yeah alright" and goes on his way.
He drives around the town for a few hours with no luck...there seems to be no prozzies around.
After several hours of doing circuits around the town in the car he finally sees a pretty skanky looking woman stading on the curb on the edge of town.
he rolls down the window and asks what she has to offer.
PROZZIE: anything you want baby... come this way.
She leads him down an alley way and tells him he can do whatever he want for $20 bucks........He then remembers what the barman said "stay away from Sand Paper Sally" so he asks....."are you Sand Paper Sally?" and she nods..........he hesitates for a minute and then remembered how horny he was so he decided to cut his losses and dip his stick.
they start to have sex and he stops not long after "oh god, oh god it hurts.......its feel like sandpaper"
Sand Paper Sally: "just turn around for a second, I'll fix it"
They start to have sex again this time the guy is very very pleased "what did you do?" he asked.
Sand Paper Sally: "Oh I just picked the scabs and let the pus run"
Little did I know, and even less did I care.
-
kemicalsista
- Posts: 427
- Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2005 12:22 am
-
johnnynostars
- Posts: 836
- Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2004 11:27 pm
Why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate...
This is a goodun, but it doesn't always work:
Joker: Hey did you hear that the guy from The Price is Right died? What's his name?
Jokee: Larry Emdur?
Joker: Yeah, that's him. Guess how old he was?
Jokee: Dunno, 40 maybe?
Joker: Higher...
He couldn't concentrate...
This is a goodun, but it doesn't always work:
Joker: Hey did you hear that the guy from The Price is Right died? What's his name?
Jokee: Larry Emdur?
Joker: Yeah, that's him. Guess how old he was?
Jokee: Dunno, 40 maybe?
Joker: Higher...
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?He sold his soul to santa
Why did the deaf girl have her hands down her pants? Because she was lip reading
And this one is my fave at the moment
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists: a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word,
then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem
that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to
the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that they
thought.
But the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:
Me and Tim a hunting' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The old aboriginal won.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?He sold his soul to santa
Why did the deaf girl have her hands down her pants? Because she was lip reading
And this one is my fave at the moment
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists: a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word,
then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem
that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to
the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that they
thought.
But the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:
Me and Tim a hunting' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The old aboriginal won.
what does DNA stand for?
National dyslexic association.
"Dyslexics of the worl, UNTIE!"
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The barmen quizes him on it. The pirate replies "ARRRRR, it's drivin me nuts!"
Did you hear about the new pirates movie?
It's rated "ARRRRRRR".
National dyslexic association.
"Dyslexics of the worl, UNTIE!"
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The barmen quizes him on it. The pirate replies "ARRRRR, it's drivin me nuts!"
Did you hear about the new pirates movie?
It's rated "ARRRRRRR".
There's no justice, just us.
-
breaksRbest
- Posts: 9966
- Joined: Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:24 pm
- Location: 37°49'S 144°58' E
Little Timmy comes home from school, his mums asks, "What did you do at school today Timmy?"
He answers excitedly, "Today I had sex with my teacher!" Naturally his mum is shocked and sends him to his room to be punished when dad gets home.
Dad gets home and Timmys mum says " Your sons been very naughty, I think you better go and talk to him" so off he goes and says to Timmy, "Your mothers pretty angry son, what have you done?"
Timmy answers, "Dad, today I had sex with my teacher!"
Instead of being angry his fathers like "Aww good on ya son, a chip off the old block aye. I'll tell you what, instead of punishing you I'm gonna buy you that new bike you've always wanted."
So off they go to the bike shop where said bike is purchased and they head home with little Timmy proudly pushing his new bike. His dads like, "Son, why don't you ride your new bike home?" and Timmy says,
"No way dad, my ass is still way too sore!'
He answers excitedly, "Today I had sex with my teacher!" Naturally his mum is shocked and sends him to his room to be punished when dad gets home.
Dad gets home and Timmys mum says " Your sons been very naughty, I think you better go and talk to him" so off he goes and says to Timmy, "Your mothers pretty angry son, what have you done?"
Timmy answers, "Dad, today I had sex with my teacher!"
Instead of being angry his fathers like "Aww good on ya son, a chip off the old block aye. I'll tell you what, instead of punishing you I'm gonna buy you that new bike you've always wanted."
So off they go to the bike shop where said bike is purchased and they head home with little Timmy proudly pushing his new bike. His dads like, "Son, why don't you ride your new bike home?" and Timmy says,
"No way dad, my ass is still way too sore!'
Animal Joke, for the blokes.
THere are 3 black cocks sitting on a fense...
How many feet do they have between them?
(say it to yourself)
ok, how many wings do they have?
ok, how many eyes do they have?
good, now how many beaks do they have?
Right... now a white cat walks past...
how many teeth does it have?
no idea? how come you know some much about black cocks but nothing about black pussy?
THere are 3 black cocks sitting on a fense...
How many feet do they have between them?
(say it to yourself)
ok, how many wings do they have?
ok, how many eyes do they have?
good, now how many beaks do they have?
Right... now a white cat walks past...
how many teeth does it have?
no idea? how come you know some much about black cocks but nothing about black pussy?
-
Dark Lord Piddle Bottom
- Posts: 765
- Joined: Wed Dec 15, 2004 3:34 pm
WHAT'S green and runs around your garden?
A hedge
What happened to the frog that broke down?
He got toad.
LAST Christmas, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said "D'you get my drift?"
DAVID Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".
The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."
A hedge
What happened to the frog that broke down?
He got toad.
LAST Christmas, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said "D'you get my drift?"
DAVID Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".
The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."
two men and a woman are stranded on a desert island..
after awhile nature takes it's course and they start having sex
after a few months the woman realise that she cant keep engaging in this
and kills her self and leaves the guys to themselves..
the guys are left alone on the island for three months before one day nature takes it's course and stuff starts happening.
after awhile the guys start feeling revolting and dirty about what they are
doing, and after much deliberation the guys decided to burry the body..
after awhile nature takes it's course and they start having sex
after a few months the woman realise that she cant keep engaging in this
and kills her self and leaves the guys to themselves..
the guys are left alone on the island for three months before one day nature takes it's course and stuff starts happening.
after awhile the guys start feeling revolting and dirty about what they are
doing, and after much deliberation the guys decided to burry the body..
-
Lil MiSbreaks
- Posts: 5455
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:50 pm
What are m & m's?
Smarty shit.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
Smarty shit.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept
looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out,
"My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman call out, "Hey! You! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at them, smiles a small smile and nods his
head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he replies.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you
to give
Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a
pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.
Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock.
"By Jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers "Fuck off mate, I'm on Workers Comp."
There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept
looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out,
"My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman call out, "Hey! You! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at them, smiles a small smile and nods his
head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he replies.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you
to give
Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a
pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.
Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock.
"By Jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers "Fuck off mate, I'm on Workers Comp."
Little did I know, and even less did I care.
-
breaksRbest
- Posts: 9966
- Joined: Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:24 pm
- Location: 37°49'S 144°58' E
-
bobinabottle
- Posts: 174
- Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:41 pm
Q. What happened to the newly-married couple who got the Vaseline & Putty jars mixed-up?
A. All their windows fell out.
*****
A man was at the stove cooking up his breakfast after a night on the turps. In the frying pan on the stove there was an egg, coupla rashes of bacon and a sausage. well there they were just sizzling away when the sausage feels the silence its getting too much and decides to break the ice. He leans over to the bacon and says to the bacon "geeez mate pretty hot in here ay?"
the bacon leans over looks at the sausage for a second and yells "WOW! A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
*****
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says - "fluctuations"
The Chinese guy says "yeah fluc you white guys too"
A. All their windows fell out.
*****
A man was at the stove cooking up his breakfast after a night on the turps. In the frying pan on the stove there was an egg, coupla rashes of bacon and a sausage. well there they were just sizzling away when the sausage feels the silence its getting too much and decides to break the ice. He leans over to the bacon and says to the bacon "geeez mate pretty hot in here ay?"
the bacon leans over looks at the sausage for a second and yells "WOW! A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
*****
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says - "fluctuations"
The Chinese guy says "yeah fluc you white guys too"
-
Lizkins
- Junior Vice President
- Posts: 17099
- Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2004 5:09 pm
- Location: Never never land
bobinabottle wrote:
A man was at the stove cooking up his breakfast after a night on the turps. In the frying pan on the stove there was an egg, coupla rashes of bacon and a sausage. well there they were just sizzling away when the sausage feels the silence its getting too much and decides to break the ice. He leans over to the bacon and says to the bacon "geeez mate pretty hot in here ay?"
the bacon leans over looks at the sausage for a second and yells "WOW! A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
Q: What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies?
A: You can't load a truck full of sand with a pitch-fork!
----
Q: Why is the space between a woman's boobs and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there!!
A: You can't load a truck full of sand with a pitch-fork!
----
Q: Why is the space between a woman's boobs and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there!!
..Life's a bitch, but God forbid the bitch divorce me.. Nas
-
Dark Lord Piddle Bottom
- Posts: 765
- Joined: Wed Dec 15, 2004 3:34 pm
From the sun http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005400426,00.html
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh***ing herself.
Colin & Fergus
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.
Milton Jones
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh***ing herself.
Colin & Fergus
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.
Milton Jones
A guy walks into a porn store and says to the attendant
"im after a blow up doll"
Attendant- "OK sure, we have a variety here, would you like male or female"
Shopper-"Hmmm, think i'll be going the female"
Attendant- "OK, now females in stock include Asian, black or caucasion"
Shopper- "Think i'll try something a little different and go for the asian"
Attendant- "Yeah sure, now would you like Catholic or Muslim?"
Shopper- "Catholic or Muslim? what the fuck difference does that make?"
Attendant- " Muslims blow themselves up"
"im after a blow up doll"
Attendant- "OK sure, we have a variety here, would you like male or female"
Shopper-"Hmmm, think i'll be going the female"
Attendant- "OK, now females in stock include Asian, black or caucasion"
Shopper- "Think i'll try something a little different and go for the asian"
Attendant- "Yeah sure, now would you like Catholic or Muslim?"
Shopper- "Catholic or Muslim? what the fuck difference does that make?"
Attendant- " Muslims blow themselves up"
Fuck you must love that joke Al, I've heard you tell that 1 at least 5 times it's pretty good but...almax wrote:A guy walks into a porn store and says to the attendant
"im after a blow up doll"
Attendant- "OK sure, we have a variety here, would you like male or female"
Shopper-"Hmmm, think i'll be going the female"
Attendant- "OK, now females in stock include Asian, black or caucasion"
Shopper- "Think i'll try something a little different and go for the asian"
Attendant- "Yeah sure, now would you like Catholic or Muslim?"
Shopper- "Catholic or Muslim? what the fuck difference does that make?"
Attendant- " Muslims blow themselves up"
"Don't you EVER interrupt me when I'm talking to myself..."
-
johnnynostars
- Posts: 836
- Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2004 11:27 pm
THE DEAD BABY MOTHERLOAD:
Q: what's better than 3 dead babies in a blender?
A: one dead baby in 3 blenders.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and an onion?
A: when you peel the skin off an onion, it makes you cry.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Q: how do you make a baby drink?
A: put it in a blender.
What’s red, white, and hangs from the ceiling?
-a baby on a meat hook
What’s red, white, and squirms in the corner?
-a baby with a razor blade
What’s worse than 10 babies in one trashcan?
-One baby in 10 trashcans
What’s better than 1 dead baby?
Ten dead babies
What's Gross?
10 dead babies in a trashcan.
What's Grosser than Gross?
One baby is alive on the bottom.
What's Grossest of all?
He eats his way out.
How do you unload a truck full of dead babies?
With a pitchfork
Why couldn't the baby crawl thru the doorway?
It had a javelin stuck in its head.
What do you get when you stab a baby in the face with a pitchfork?
- An erection
What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?
Ain't no car in my garage.
What’s 3 foot long and fucks babies?
Cot death
What's purple and drifts at the bottom of the pool?
A dead baby.
Q) How do you make a dead baby float?
A) Put it in a glass with 2 scoops of ice cream
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a basketball?
A: basketballs bounce.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a rotten egg?
A: a rotten egg tastes bad.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a dart board?
A: dart boards don't bleed.
Q: when a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
A: so if the baby is a stillbirth, they can make soup.
Q: what are red, bubbly and scratches at the window?
A: a baby in a microwave.
Q: how many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
A: depends how hard you squeeze them.
Q: what's better than stapling babies to a wall?
A: ripping them off again.
What’s the difference between unloading a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can’t unload bowling balls with a pitchfork
What’s the difference between a run-over dog and a run-over baby?
There are skid marks just by the dog's corpse
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a bathtub?
.. You can’t fuck a bathtub
Q: What's red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What’s 9 inches long and makes women scream at night?
Crib death...
Q: what's the best part about spinning babies around on a clothes line?
A: stopping them with a shovel.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
What's the hardest part of having sex with a dead baby?
Getting the blood off of your clown suit.
What has two heads, 6 legs and 2 arms?
A Doberman with a dead baby...
Q: what's the best part about fucking a dead baby?
A: hearing the pelvis break.
Q: why do you put babies in a blender feet first?
A: so you can see the expression on their faces.
Q: what's brown and gurgles?
A: a baby in a casserole.
Q: what goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: twins in an acid bath.
A woman is lying in a bed in a hospital after recently giving birth and her new born baby is asleep in the cradle beside her when the doctor walks into the room. The doctor picks up the baby, throws it in the air - letting it land on the floor. He picks it up again and throws it against the walls a couple of times before drop-kicking it out the window.
"My baby, my baby" The woman screamed with horror. "YOU KILLED MY BABY!â€
To which the doctor replied. "Ha-ha, April Fools! It was already dead."
Q: what's better than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
A: nailing it to a dead puppy.
Q: what's a sure way to get a baby to stop crying?
A: an axe.
Q: what’s the difference between a baby and a candy bar?
A: about 500 calories.
Q: what's red and climbing up your girlfriend's leg?
A: a homesick abortion.
Q: what would cancer victims be doing right now if they were alive?
A: scratching at the lids of their coffins.
Q: what's red, sits in a corner and keeps getting smaller?
A: a baby with a cheese-slicer
What do you call 10 dead babies in the back yard?
A cook out.
Q: what's the best present to give a dead baby?
A: a dead puppy.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a snare drum?
A: nothing; you beat them both to make music.
Q: Why did the baby fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms
What do you call a dead baby in Harry Ramsden’s?
Abortion of chips
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends how hard you throw them
Q: What’s the difference between a baby and a tooth?
A: You get a dollar when you put a tooth under the pillow
What’s the best thing about fucking a dead baby girl?
You can turn her over and pretend she's a dead baby boy!
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken's ass.
Q. How does the Texan mom know that her daughter has been having sex?
A. Her Son's dick tastes funny.
Q. What's the best thing about a 12 year old?
A. If you shave her pussy she looks just like a 9 year old.
How do make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
Q: why do they have a bowl of hot water present at a birth?
A: so if it's dead they can make soup
A pedo and a 7 year old walk into a dark patch of woods. The 7 year old says "I'm scared!"
The pedo says, "YOU'RE scared? I gotta walk out of here myself!"
Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.
Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.
What's red, silver, and runs into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What do a blonde, a turtle, and a dead baby have in common?
When they're on their back, they're fucked.
What’s worse than finding a dead baby in yr bed?
Realizing last night you got drunk and fucked it to death...
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby stapled to another dead baby
Q: what's better than 3 dead babies in a blender?
A: one dead baby in 3 blenders.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and an onion?
A: when you peel the skin off an onion, it makes you cry.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Q: how do you make a baby drink?
A: put it in a blender.
What’s red, white, and hangs from the ceiling?
-a baby on a meat hook
What’s red, white, and squirms in the corner?
-a baby with a razor blade
What’s worse than 10 babies in one trashcan?
-One baby in 10 trashcans
What’s better than 1 dead baby?
Ten dead babies
What's Gross?
10 dead babies in a trashcan.
What's Grosser than Gross?
One baby is alive on the bottom.
What's Grossest of all?
He eats his way out.
How do you unload a truck full of dead babies?
With a pitchfork
Why couldn't the baby crawl thru the doorway?
It had a javelin stuck in its head.
What do you get when you stab a baby in the face with a pitchfork?
- An erection
What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?
Ain't no car in my garage.
What’s 3 foot long and fucks babies?
Cot death
What's purple and drifts at the bottom of the pool?
A dead baby.
Q) How do you make a dead baby float?
A) Put it in a glass with 2 scoops of ice cream
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a basketball?
A: basketballs bounce.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a rotten egg?
A: a rotten egg tastes bad.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a dart board?
A: dart boards don't bleed.
Q: when a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
A: so if the baby is a stillbirth, they can make soup.
Q: what are red, bubbly and scratches at the window?
A: a baby in a microwave.
Q: how many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
A: depends how hard you squeeze them.
Q: what's better than stapling babies to a wall?
A: ripping them off again.
What’s the difference between unloading a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can’t unload bowling balls with a pitchfork
What’s the difference between a run-over dog and a run-over baby?
There are skid marks just by the dog's corpse
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a bathtub?
.. You can’t fuck a bathtub
Q: What's red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What’s 9 inches long and makes women scream at night?
Crib death...
Q: what's the best part about spinning babies around on a clothes line?
A: stopping them with a shovel.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
What's the hardest part of having sex with a dead baby?
Getting the blood off of your clown suit.
What has two heads, 6 legs and 2 arms?
A Doberman with a dead baby...
Q: what's the best part about fucking a dead baby?
A: hearing the pelvis break.
Q: why do you put babies in a blender feet first?
A: so you can see the expression on their faces.
Q: what's brown and gurgles?
A: a baby in a casserole.
Q: what goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: twins in an acid bath.
A woman is lying in a bed in a hospital after recently giving birth and her new born baby is asleep in the cradle beside her when the doctor walks into the room. The doctor picks up the baby, throws it in the air - letting it land on the floor. He picks it up again and throws it against the walls a couple of times before drop-kicking it out the window.
"My baby, my baby" The woman screamed with horror. "YOU KILLED MY BABY!â€
To which the doctor replied. "Ha-ha, April Fools! It was already dead."
Q: what's better than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
A: nailing it to a dead puppy.
Q: what's a sure way to get a baby to stop crying?
A: an axe.
Q: what’s the difference between a baby and a candy bar?
A: about 500 calories.
Q: what's red and climbing up your girlfriend's leg?
A: a homesick abortion.
Q: what would cancer victims be doing right now if they were alive?
A: scratching at the lids of their coffins.
Q: what's red, sits in a corner and keeps getting smaller?
A: a baby with a cheese-slicer
What do you call 10 dead babies in the back yard?
A cook out.
Q: what's the best present to give a dead baby?
A: a dead puppy.
Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a snare drum?
A: nothing; you beat them both to make music.
Q: Why did the baby fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms
What do you call a dead baby in Harry Ramsden’s?
Abortion of chips
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends how hard you throw them
Q: What’s the difference between a baby and a tooth?
A: You get a dollar when you put a tooth under the pillow
What’s the best thing about fucking a dead baby girl?
You can turn her over and pretend she's a dead baby boy!
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken's ass.
Q. How does the Texan mom know that her daughter has been having sex?
A. Her Son's dick tastes funny.
Q. What's the best thing about a 12 year old?
A. If you shave her pussy she looks just like a 9 year old.
How do make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
Q: why do they have a bowl of hot water present at a birth?
A: so if it's dead they can make soup
A pedo and a 7 year old walk into a dark patch of woods. The 7 year old says "I'm scared!"
The pedo says, "YOU'RE scared? I gotta walk out of here myself!"
Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.
Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.
What's red, silver, and runs into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What do a blonde, a turtle, and a dead baby have in common?
When they're on their back, they're fucked.
What’s worse than finding a dead baby in yr bed?
Realizing last night you got drunk and fucked it to death...
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby stapled to another dead baby
-
johnnynostars
- Posts: 836
- Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2004 11:27 pm
The List:
Ham Shank
Taming the Beef Weasel
Summon the Genie
Polish the Dolphin
Fire the Flesh Musket
Tug-of-war with the Cyclops
White knuckle ride on the Skin Bus
Bathroom Guitar Solo
Teach the dog to spit
A Hans Solo
Climb Mount Baldy
Burp the baby
Pan for white gold
Free the slaves
Fish for Zipper Trout
Five against one
Glue the Lady’s eyes shut
Paint the ceiling
Apply the hand-brake
Audition the finger puppets
Defrost the fridge
Rope the Pony
Crown the King
Ham Shank
Taming the Beef Weasel
Summon the Genie
Polish the Dolphin
Fire the Flesh Musket
Tug-of-war with the Cyclops
White knuckle ride on the Skin Bus
Bathroom Guitar Solo
Teach the dog to spit
A Hans Solo
Climb Mount Baldy
Burp the baby
Pan for white gold
Free the slaves
Fish for Zipper Trout
Five against one
Glue the Lady’s eyes shut
Paint the ceiling
Apply the hand-brake
Audition the finger puppets
Defrost the fridge
Rope the Pony
Crown the King
-
bobinabottle
- Posts: 174
- Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:41 pm
High School High
Great jokes guys - have had me in stitches for the majority of the arvo... work! what work?
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?
No she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher!
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?
No she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher!