The jokes thread

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:03 am

LOL

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict! Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!!" to which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. i told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. i love you too!!"

quick · Post by **quick** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:36 am

What exorcise do cats do?

Puss up.

Amick · Post by **Amick** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:39 am

quick wrote:What exorcise do cats do?

Puss up.

poor form

quick · Post by **quick** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:50 am

Amick wrote:
quick wrote:What exorcise do cats do?

Puss up.

poor form

Eat me fairy boy, I happen to really like that joke, it was the first sms I ever sent, it has its place, but is probably too nice for you, not enough sex or death involved hey???

Kombat Bass · Post by **Kombat Bass** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 11:19 am

WHAT does a cat get when it walks on the beach?

Sandy Claws

WHEN does a cart come before a horse?

In the dictionary

hahahahahahahahahah!

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 12:39 pm

one for the boys...keeping it even

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"

"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. However, the woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less-than-riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!"

Amick · Post by **Amick** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 2:24 pm

Steve: I eat squirrels for breakfast, so watch ya back!

quick · Post by **quick** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 2:35 pm

Amick wrote:Steve: I eat squirrels for breakfast, so watch ya back!

Ag3nT[]0raNg3 · Post by **Ag3nT[]0raNg3** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 2:53 pm

wrong..

fmf · Post by **fmf** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 4:14 pm

a lost jew walks into a maori bar... one of the barflies calls out Hebrew

B0mBjAcK · Post by **B0mBjAcK** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 4:30 pm

Thats just plain wrong Amick! RANK!

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 4:33 pm

Blondes are going to take over the world!

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
She called me to get my phone number.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Kombat Bass · Post by **Kombat Bass** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 4:35 pm

Lizkins wrote:Blondes are going to take over the world!

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
She called me to get my phone number.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Bet ur glad ur not blonde liz

stovequeen · Post by **stovequeen** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 4:38 pm

Kombat Bass wrote:
Lizkins wrote:Blondes are going to take over the world!

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
She called me to get my phone number.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Bet ur glad ur not blonde liz

i'm glad

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 4:42 pm

^^^ i am blonde Stovequeen. But i can just laugh at myself

I think my fav would have to be...

Q - Why do blondes wear underwear?
A - To keep their ankles warm.

Its funny cos its not true...well for me anyways...but i knows the type it is true for and that makes me laugh even more!

B0mBjAcK · Post by **B0mBjAcK** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 4:48 pm

how do you know when a blond has been using your computer?

There is whiteout on the monitor...

An oldie but a goodie.

LÃ³s Kasinoâ€” · Tue Dec 14, 2004 5:21 pm

Hows this for a joke.

Carl Cox, worlds highest paid DJ ...just bought a house in FRANKSTON!!
(Herald Sun)

stovequeen · Post by **stovequeen** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 5:23 pm

Lizkins wrote:^^^ i am blonde Stovequeen.

me too.. but lately i have gone across to the dark side..

B0mBjAcK · Post by **B0mBjAcK** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 5:28 pm

T I C K A wrote:Hows this for a joke.

Carl Cox, worlds highest paid DJ ...just bought a house in FRANKSTON!!
(Herald Sun)

LOL do we all look blond?

insidious · Post by **insidious** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 6:37 pm

why did cavemen drag their woman around by the hair?

So they didnt fill up with sand

Post by **system** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 7:38 pm

T I C K A wrote:Carl Cox, worlds highest paid DJ ...just bought a house in FRANKSTON!!
(Herald Sun)

not surprised, he'll be around the corner from Eric Powell.

LÃ³s Kasinoâ€” · Tue Dec 14, 2004 7:52 pm

yea but its "F-R-A-N-K-S-T-O-N"...wtf, is there sumthin im missin?

Post by **system** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 7:57 pm

T I C K A wrote:yea but its "F-R-A-N-K-S-T-O-N"...wtf, is there sumthin im missin?

nah, not at all man.

but, if you were living just out of London for a while.. then having the Mornington Peninsula at your back door would be pretty tempting. cheap to buy a place there too as well.

but yeah, it's still Frankston.

LÃ³s Kasinoâ€” · Tue Dec 14, 2004 7:59 pm

Did u ever see those t-shirts they used to make ...

" I LOVE FRANKSTON "

classic!

B0mBjAcK · Post by **B0mBjAcK** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 8:00 pm

A guy gets home late from the pub after a night out drinking with his mates and hops into the bed with his missus and lets of a ripper fart that wakes her.

"WTF was that!?" she says, "I'm playing soccer it's 1 nil" he replys. So she lets of an even bigger fart that raises the covers. 'Smart arse' he thinks so he musters up the biggest fart he can but when he lets rip all that comes out is a shit. His wife rolls over and goes "WTF was that!?" to which he replys "Half time we change sides now"

Motive · Post by **Motive** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:52 pm

what's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

telling your mum you're gay

(thanks to Mana for that one)

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 8:50 am

Motive wrote:what's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

telling your mum you're gay

(thanks to Mana for that one)

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 9:31 am

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.a ... WZ13102358

this is rather sucky but i figured Stevey would like it

cos of the whole love of christmas theme that he seems to be in at the moment

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 10:12 am

No theme, I just like the festiveness...

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 10:28 am

quick wrote:No theme, I just like the festiveness...

yeah i know steveykins. did you like the doggies though?

btw - stevey ain't into dogs like that persay...he just likes doggie style hahaha kidding. now seriously people, this behaviour is very childish

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 10:33 am

Lizkins wrote:
quick wrote:No theme, I just like the festiveness...
yeah i know steveykins. did you like the doggies though?

btw - stevey ain't into dogs like that persay...he just likes doggie style hahaha kidding. now seriously people, this behaviour is very childish

You've made me resort to this Lizkins

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 10:34 am

quick wrote:
Lizkins wrote:
quick wrote:No theme, I just like the festiveness...
yeah i know steveykins. did you like the doggies though?

btw - stevey ain't into dogs like that persay...he just likes doggie style hahaha kidding. now seriously people, this behaviour is very childish
You've made me resort to this Lizkins

i can't see it.

quick · Post by **quick** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 10:58 am

Its the dog biting the girls face, saying, STFU

Lizkins · Post by **Lizkins** » Wed Dec 15, 2004 11:04 am

oh that one. cool

LÃ³s Kasinoâ€” · Sun Jan 02, 2005 9:43 pm

andycole23_steve wrote:
system wrote:
T I C K A wrote:Carl Cox, worlds highest paid DJ ...just bought a house in FRANKSTON!!
(Herald Sun)
not surprised, he'll be around the corner from Eric Powell.
about this time last year...maybe feb/mar '04
my mate who lives in mt eliza i think (thats where carl bought the house) well his mate round the corner was selling his house.
well one day they were at the pub and two guys came round to view the house, coz its was his parents, his parents shown them around...turned out it was eric powell and carl cox.
they ended up spying his decks upstairs and left a few signed whites around
apparently they stayed for biscuits and tea with his olds, classic.

now if that was andy c and it was my house

thats golden! lol...

quick · Post by **quick** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 7:30 pm

Old skool joke

Whats hairier than Darren Hinch's beard?

Jana's Wendt (Vent)

B0mBjAcK · Post by **B0mBjAcK** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 10:19 pm

Whats fisshy and ends in U N T?

Rex Hunt....

Realm Korrupt · Post by **Realm Korrupt** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 11:32 am

How do ya get a nun pregnant???

Fuck her

ukime · Post by **ukime** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 11:38 am

T I C K A wrote:Carl Cox, worlds highest paid DJ ...just bought a house in FRANKSTON!!
(Herald Sun)

I heard it was South Frankston, but yeah

he's been seen on Chapel St. a few times the last couple of weeks since New Years ... and he has been into Wax nightclub on Nepean Highway/South Road once or twice during the day.

Oooer, I have a joke ... this lineup is @ Fabric for the breakbeat awards in London, costs $20 - $30 (10 pounds) and there is no way I'll be able to fly over for it =/

Plump Djs Vâ€™s Stanton Warriors, Rennie Pilgrem & BLIM (ft MC Chickaboo), Freestylers V's Deekline, Krafty Kuts V's Atomic Hooligan, Meat Katie Vâ€™s Elite Force, Dj Hyper V's Danny Mcmillan, Soul of Man V's Lee Coombs, Evil 9 (live), Atomic Hooligan (live), Si Begg Vâ€™s Kosmikneil, Tayo Vâ€™s Ali B, Jay Cunning Vâ€™s Will Saul, Splitloop (live), Santos V's Madox, NAPT & The Breakfastaz (ft MC Ken Mac), Son of the Electric Ghost (live), Kraymon (Dex n FX), Lawgiverz (live), Influenza (Dex n FX), LBJ (live), Steelzawheelz V's Western allstars.

quick · Post by **quick** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:26 pm

Whats yellow and smells like banana's?

Monkey vomit...

witty_pseudonym · Post by **witty_pseudonym** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:18 pm

what's invisible and smells like eucalyptus?

a koala fart.

witty_pseudonym · Post by **witty_pseudonym** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:20 pm

and another...

what's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

sneak · Post by **sneak** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 4:39 pm

oldies but mildly amusing

what do you call an anorexic with gonorrea?
quater pounder with cheese

How do you get a gay guy to fuck your girlfriend.
shit in her cunt

DBoy · Post by **DBoy** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 10:15 am

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm

Schizo! · Post by **Schizo!** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:13 pm

67 Metres!

Not bad

Schizo! · Post by **Schizo!** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:17 pm

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry her.

*If you think it's too early to be making jokes about the tsunami disaster, then stop reading now. You have been warned, so don't bitch at me about my poor taste*

Santa was really busy this year, and he didn't have time to stop in Asia.

So he just flew over and gave them all a big wave.

lmfao after I read this I went on patrol for half an hour and was still laughing when I got back.

sneak · Post by **sneak** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:33 pm

OK floodgates opened: *edit (aww shit. didnt even notice the pun there. its quite bad)*

How do you stop a tsunami?
throw 160,000 asians in front of it.

A bar owner in Phuket was asked how his business was doing over the last week or so "It's been very quiet, but some of the regulars are starting to drift back."

Fents · Post by **Fents** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:20 pm

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Amick · Post by **Amick** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:48 pm

A man was on a airplane and had to use the bathroom, but the line to the mens room was too long. So the man asked the stewardess if he can use the womens bathroom. The stewardess responed "Sure, as long as you don't press the four buttons on the wall." the man then said "That's ok." After the man was done takin a shit, he got curiuos, and pressed the first button, and somthing wiped his ass. Then he pressed the second button, and something wet his ass. Next he pressed the third button, and something powdered his ass. Finally, he pressed the fourth button, and the man woke up in the hospital. He saw the stewardess and asked "What am I doing here? The stewardess replied "I told you not to press the four buttons on the wall, the fouth button was an automatic tampon remover."

A woman is pregnant with triplits. 2 girls and 1 boy. She gets shot 3 times and their is a bullet in each baby. The doctor says not to worry because the babies will simply pee out the bullets they grow up. years later, 1 girl says "mommy mommy, i peed out a bullet today" the mom tells her what happened and says "dont tell your sister n brother...i wouldnt want them to worry" A week later, the other girl says "mommy mommy, i peed out a bullet today" the mom explains the story and says "dont tell your brother, i wouldnt want him to worry" A week later, the boy says "mommy mommy,"...the mom says "i know i know, you peed out a bullet today." He says "no...i was jerkin off and i killed the dog!"

Amick · Post by **Amick** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:50 pm

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out, BUT WITH THESE TWO FINGERS I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.