How to How to be a drum & bass Junglist

[Ag3nT[]0raNg3]

How to How to be a drum & bass Junglist

Kids, worried that scary junglists will show you the screwface when you step inside the dance? Don't worry, as these style tips will help you fit in, and soon you'll be begging for Grooverider to rewind 'the Odyssey' just like everybody else. Bo!
Steps

1. Boys: shave your head. It will better accentuate your fierce scowl and, if you like drumfunk, hide your imminent balding. Also, don't forget to grow a soul patch.

2. Girls: doesn't matter what your hair looks like. You will be heavily outnumbered and therefore in high demand. If you should find this is not the case, post a picture of yourself on a D&B message board, and watch the replies roll in. Hint: your acne and fat-ass are meaningless in the dnb world.

3. Clothes for boys: include hoodies, t-shirts and baggy trousers , no matter what style of D&B you prefer. Alternatively, if you and your crew all reach the club wearing rockports and burberry caps, the DJ will probably play some hilarously-titled wobble tune for you, and rewind it five times. Proper, proper, proper.

4. Clothes for girls: see number 2. Just make sure that it's obvious you are a girl.

5. Rewinds: if you particularly appreciate the DJ's selection, make a funny gun-shape with your fingers and shout at him/her. Do not do this in any other circumstance, or it might lead to trouble. In any case, the DJ will undoubtedly rewind the biggest tunes anyway, even if the crowd were to sit there in stony-faced silence.

6. Your upbringing: Even if you grew up riding ponies and shooting peasants on an estate in Buckinghamshire, or eating grilled-cheese in a trailer in Kansas, you still have bare love for all the mans in Brixton town. Practice teeth-sucking. Represent.

7. Mock everything.

8. Your musical background: you were born into this world to the sound of 'Amen Brother' by The Winstons, the mobile hanging above your cot was built by King Tubby, and you were the first kid at school to own signed copies of albums by NWA, 2Pac and Demon Boyz. The copies of "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em" and the first Ugly Kid Joe album must have appeared in your record collection by mistake.

9. If you're from the UK, you have been around since day one, cause we invented this music, OK? If you're from the U.S., you heard it on a mixtape in the mid-nineties, and don't forget we invented hip-hop, you busted-teeth haters. If you're from anywhere else: STFU.

10. Everything started in 1992. That's all anyone cares about.

11. say any of the following in a sentence: "Seen, innit, mate, oi, innit, oi,oi, oi, ello, hello, seen" automatically qualifies you as a junglist too. congratulations.
Tips

* Whatever you do, pay close attention to whatever style it is currently trendy to claim influenced you to begin listening to drum and bass. This varies as rapidly as the British weather, so watch out. A sudden switch in the mood of D&B could leave your knoweldge of the lyrics to 'Incredible' looking rather old hat. Likewise, the inexplicable nostalgia for mid-nineties techstep may die a death very soon. In 2005, you will invariably be down with the "liquidy dub" styles.
* If in doubt, you and your bredren hung out at Speed, but you met your current crew on teh dancefloor at the Blue Note in '95.
* Be sure and put down anyone that doesnt roll with your kru even if (esp. if) they are into the same things you are. You want to make sure that everyone knows your are the original elite junglist Example: Some guy says he likes an artist who's music you've included in a mix. Immedietly tell him how wack he is and that said artist was a lot cooler a few years ago.
* Even if you are paralysed from the neck down, front like you are a DJ waiting for your big break. You have an enormous collection of dubplates back at the lab (ie. your mum's gaff, where you are known as "Raymond" rather than "RuffJunglist92") and have mastered a triple drop with the three most obscure Metalheadz b-sides outside of London. In reality, you have spent the last three years vainly attempting to beatmatch 'Bad Ass' with 'Bodyrock' in preparation for the day Helter Skelter call you because Nicky Blackmarket has a flat tire on his BMW.
* Be sure to flex your internet gangsta abilities at any given moment; be sure to reference commonly used Internet Relay Chat channels as who you rep: case in point #iamdnb, #dnbmonstertrux-- for the young ones being tuff please start in rooms like #dnbcarebears.
* Be ready to use the term "roller" as if you actually know what it refers to.
* Clownstep is in the eye of the beholder - don't be afraid to deploy this term against any artist who dares to play any tune that offends you and your spotty, virgin mates hanging out at the back of the club. Maybe a girl will hear you slagging off said big name artist and invite herself back to your flat to debate the merits of the No U-Turn back catalogue. Alternatively, you could just slag said artist on the DOA forum and be forced into an embarassing climbdown when they threaten you with a kicking after somebody forwards them your post.
* Junglists constantly design record sleeves/name labels after special forces/modern day wartime references, but dont let this fool you, anything other than a staunch liberal stance on any issue is not acceptable.

Warnings

* I'm shutting you down! Where's my 20% ?
* When Grooverider waves his flag... duck?
* Quit hating - it's bad for your health.
* Andy C will always be voted Nr. 1 DJ on the Drum & Bass Arena.*
* If you are ever caught posting on the DNBArena msgboard, you will be regarded to as 'batty'.


you can actually edit this here...

http://wiki.ehow.com/How-to-be-a-drum-%26-bass-Junglist

[TimmyG]

Ha! Most of that's so scarily true I think I'm gonna go kill myself now.

[DEAN G]

Thats hilarious!

[Fents]

hahahahaha funny shit.

[Will]

Ooooh, is that just soooooooooooo fuckin' funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Just doing my bit for number 7.

[DBoy]

hands up shaved heads/baggy pant/ NWA listening liquid dub stylee bo boys...

[scotty woo hoo]

7. Mock everything.

i live by this rule

[Lizkins]

Not sure whether to take offence to the girls part but considering i knows most of da chicks in da scene and day is well fit i figure this needs to be updated a bit

Sneakster i will leave you to the wording of what needs to be said. Try to use as few "cunts" as possible

[quick]

[sweetcheeks]

How to How to be a drum & bass Junglist

2. Girls: doesn't matter what your hair looks like. You will be heavily outnumbered and therefore in high demand. If you should find this is not the case, post a picture of yourself on a D&B message board, and watch the replies roll in. Hint: your acne and fat-ass are meaningless in the dnb world.

sweet!! do i post my picture here or go global with dogsonacid where it'll hit 3rd page in 20 minutes?

4. Clothes for girls: see number 2. Just make sure that it's obvious you are a girl.

fuck that! skirts are for girls!

[sneak]

Righto Liz …

2. Girls: doesn't matter what your hair looks like. You are all goddesses and therefore shalt be worshipped as such. If your hair does actually look crap, this can only upscale your cred as it exudes the rare and well sought-after “I don’t give a fuck if you lookin at me or not” attitude.
In fact if you spend more than five minutes on your hair you really should consider packing up your sparkly kitten heels and going to see Midro instead.

4. Clothes for girls: see number 2. Just make sure that you avoid fluro colours at all costs – this includes all tones and shades of yellow and pink.

Tips
If your cunt smells like a week old tuna salad try washing it.
(soz liz - couldn’t resist )

[Lizkins]

Righto Liz …

2. Girls: doesn't matter what your hair looks like. You are all goddesses and therefore shalt be worshipped as such. If your hair does actually look crap, this can only upscale your cred as it exudes the rare and well sought-after “I don’t give a fuck if you lookin at me or not” attitude.
In fact if you spend more than five minutes on your hair you really should consider packing up your sparkly kitten heels and going to see Midro instead.

4. Clothes for girls: see number 2. Just make sure that you avoid fluro colours at all costs – this includes all tones and shades of yellow and pink.

Tips
If your cunt smells like a week old tuna salad try washing it.
(soz liz - couldn’t resist )

Fuckin gold!

[mecka]

Funniest thing I've read all day.

[sweetcheeks]

4. Clothes for girls: see number 2. Just make sure that you avoid fluro colours at all costs – this includes all tones and shades of yellow and pink.

fuck you and your fashionfascism, what next? no legwarmers? scrunchy fabric visors?

If your cunt smells like a week old tuna salad try washing it.
(soz liz - couldn’t resist )

or making a journey to the SexyHealthKlinik?

[B0mBjAcK]

LOL funny shit.

Avoid chuppachups too as well as fluro colours. And beer is the junglists drink of choice

[Shards]

Likewise, the inexplicable nostalgia for mid-nineties techstep may die a death very soon. In 2005, you will invariably be down with the "liquidy dub" styles.

Not likely on either count. I'm yet to hear any mix better Torque by Ed Rush, and I doubt I ever will.

* Clownstep is in the eye of the beholder - don't be afraid to deploy this term against any artist who dares to play any tune that offends you and your spotty, virgin mates hanging out at the back of the club. Maybe a girl will hear you slagging off said big name artist and invite herself back to your flat to debate the merits of the No U-Turn back catalogue.

Ouch!

[Ag3nT[]0raNg3]

Not likely on either count. I'm yet to hear any mix better Torque by Ed Rush, and I doubt I ever will.

TUUUNEE!!!

[Dark Lord Piddle Bottom]

the first Ugly Kid Joe album must have appeared in your record collection by mistake.

Don't diss the first Ugly Kid Joe album, I have it and Im still a rebble!

[Guest]

this shit is hillarious... i better go shave my head again!

Not likely on either count. I'm yet to hear any mix better Torque by Ed Rush, and I doubt I ever will.

my copy of this cd is scratched to the shithouse... wiiiikid mix tho.

[sneak]

If your cunt smells like a week old tuna salad try washing it.
(soz liz - couldn’t resist )

or making a journey to the SexyHealthKlinik?

im sure theres plenny of over the counter products to try before you make that embarrassing clinic trip
"VagiClean huh? Whats the matter honey, little too much cheese on the taco? - Price check on VagiClean, isle 5. Thats VagiClean, isle 5. We got a lady down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough."

if i made a fungicide i'd call it CuntFresh

[sweetcheeks]

If your cunt smells like a week old tuna salad try washing it.
(soz liz - couldn’t resist )

or making a journey to the SexyHealthKlinik?

im sure theres plenny of over the counter products to try before you make that embarrassing clinic trip
"VagiClean huh? Whats the matter honey, little too much cheese on the taco? - Price check on VagiClean, isle 5. Thats VagiClean, isle 5. We got a lady down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough."

if i made a fungicide i'd call it CuntFresh

S-C-R-O-T-E-N-E! I can ride a bike again@#*!

[quick]

"VagiClean huh? Whats the matter honey, little too much cheese on the taco? - Price check on VagiClean, isle 5. Thats VagiClean, isle 5. We got a lady down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough."

if i made a fungicide i'd call it CuntFresh

Gold pixie face... GOLD!!!!

[fmf]

if i made a fungicide i'd call it CuntFresh

it would be right next to the menthol suppositries called assmints... imagine how much better this world would be if poo tasted like mints... we would be just as happy as these two

[Fents]

it would be right next to the menthol suppositries called assmints... imagine how much better this world would be if poo tasted like mints...

You two kids never cease to amaze me...Like i think ive heard it all then outta your mouth's u just keep dribbling with some of the most disturbing stuff ever...

I Love it!

[same o]

sneak u me.. and make me laugh all at once....

[system]

if i made a fungicide i'd call it CuntFresh

it would be right next to the menthol suppositries called assmints... imagine how much better this world would be if poo tasted like mints... we would be just as happy as these two

yep, but our teeth wouldn't be that white.

[Ag3nT[]0raNg3]

hahaha

[Lizkins]

it would be right next to the menthol suppositries called assmints... imagine how much better this world would be if poo tasted like mints...

You two kids never cease to amaze me...Like i think ive heard it all then outta your mouth's u just keep dribbling with some of the most disturbing stuff ever...

I Love it!

they're not disturbing they just have an infatuation with arses i.e taking it up the arse, licking ones arsehole, etc etc

[sneak]

ok i may have mentioned cunt custard but i spoke nothing of arseholes. and i would say its merely a preoccupation than an infatuation anyways

[sweetcheeks]

cunt custard

and a nother fer good measure